[Tezza]

We all know what chairs look like and how they usually suck our souls into oblivion, but how does one sit correctly on them without losing their chakra to the mists of Enternania? Follow this guide and maybe you will learn the way of the Caribou and become the Master of Sitting on Wood or something along those lines which could be a line in which you draw lines to match to other lines thus giving you the silver lining of this line.

Location!

Every chair has a specific locale in which it is most comfortable, put a chair in the wrong environment and you may find yourself being rebirthed through a wire plug made mostly of carbon cheese and fire bread, To learn the secret loved location of a chair you must embrace it, grasp it’s lengthy legs and slide your tongue up the side of the seated area. It should stutter in a furiously adorable tone the general type of locale it enjoys, using this knowledge you should then hi-jump over a fence lower than 1.3 micrometers into a puddle made of solid methane gas without touching air. By doing this you will excite the chair into a frenzy making it blabber nonsense about how dirt can become a quadruped and engulf the universe in a hail of checkerboards and die. Using your hand you should then hold your hand without touching your other hand whilst grabbing your original hand with the same hand on the same side of the original hand under where the originality was once non-existent. This will reveal the environment that the chair enjoys.

Setting Up the Chair!

Chairs are extremely dangerous creatures that should be taken one hundred percent seriously, if you engage one without first respecting its greatness you may find yourself losing a game of tick tack toe with a red chicken capable of sentient speech patterns but not much else. You must locate a rod made of seven other rods which all contain rods that were made by a man named Rod Roddenrod for only his rods are capable of centering your circle of life, once you have found this rod of rods, you must cross a sea of nothing into a room made of dark and filled with light. In this room will be a single rusty fork with hints of golden hue located along the handle, you must devour the fork and thus fuse yourself with the inner pathways between the dimensional rifts that exist between your eyelids and your forehead. If done correctly you should portal through space and appear next to a gate which will then proceed to mug and bash you, take the hits and proceed onward towards The Furniture Dimension where everything is made from billions of different furnishes. Here you will find Olaf The Weird a young but slightly not young old wizard who will give you a napkin which is oddly sticky, this napkin you must use to rub the chair you intend to sit on thus granting your behind access to sitting.

Sitting!

Sitting on a chair takes many many years of heavy practice, reading and playing pong with a child and proceeding to throw your television at him upon losing, after all this training is complete you then must proceed to find The Staff of Visions which will automatically flush your system with LSD constantly upon touching it, you must fight the illusions you see until you find The Illusionist whom may be trying to steal your shoes when you meet him. Slap him firmly across his right eye and tell him to go suck on a lemon, he will then kill you with a lemon thus sucking the sourness out of your being allowing you to reincarnate as a caterpillar made from butter and chill fried chili made from breast less snake. While in this form you must do three hundred and forty five thousand backflips in one jump causing you to rip a hole in reality sucking the universe into the blackness of the void where you will find The Tome of Ted which contains a hidden text revealing that you in fact actually are the chair and shouldn’t be doing this in the first place.

Come back soon for more Vladvice and Vluides from Vlad!

PS: Feel free to ask questions and they shall be answered the Vladific way.