[Tezza]

Ingredients
2 tonnes of raw salty fish feet
Exactly one air molecule of space
43 differently shaped ants without legs
A cow made of honey and rice crispy treats
A single cat
The numeric system
Essence of Tezza
A single flake of eye juice extracted from Cthulhu’s daughter
One SCP (Preferably one that’s already killed you but actually hasn’t)
A flying racoon
20 kilo tonnes of TNT
And one very angry man with an angry face tattooed on his eyeball

Where and How to get the Ingredients

1. To get yourself 2 tonnes of salty fish feet you must swim through land and find The Scepter of Decepter (Ha!) Once finding this Scepter you must throw it at yourself thus making you teleport and find an 1000 legged fish with a single eye wearing a hat, you must gently headbutt the fish until it cries out and releases all 1000 of its feet making them launch across the spacial plane between your face.

2. Gently slap yourself as hard but as soft as you can, the forces of friction and gravity will cause your soft/hard hand to pass through your head and into the realm of airspace and space-air. Once your hand is here it will begin to absorb particles of different types of matter, you must find the single air molecule containing pure and uninterrupted space and enclose it in your fingernail pocket dimension.

3. Getting 43 differently shaped ants with no legs is no feeble task, you must steel yourself in order to fight the Flame Birds of Ra. After defeating these strong defensible bulls you must seek the Tome of Great Unimportance. Once you get this tome you must destroy it and find within the fabric of its pages tiny little keys made of marmalade. Using these keys you will be able to unlock each of the 43 ant’s homes and kidnap them for your purposes.

4. You must enter the oblivion land of the seven serpent donkeys and gather 4.223 pounds of freshly ground rice crispy treats, after gaining such things you must grab a cow and begin to fuse the two using your bare hands and a monkey made of steam engines. Using exactly 1kg of pressure will cause a temporal re flux and you will become one with the dairy gods of lore and listening thus gaining a cow made of rice crispy treats. You then must feed that cow honey for 72 centuries to infuse it with honey.

5. Slap a chicken until it transforms into a feline-like mongoose, you then must hammer it into a pancake until it becomes a beautiful cat perfect for cooking.

6. Attack the left-most corner of Antarctica in an effort to make icy cheese made from not-cheese where only the walrus can become the car of peer pressure. Upon attacking you will find the scroll of eternity which after reading it for 17 eternities you will get the holy page filled with the numeric system.

7. First you must find the illusive Tezza in the wilder lands of Greenland under the shellfire tree of legends, when you have spotted him you must wave your arms and howl madly in order to frighten him into submission where you are able to extract essence with a glow stick.

8. Call 1800 IAMTHEEND to talk to the almighty Elder god Cthulhu! You then must say the phrase “I am a little girl with a doll-face made of rice.” He will laugh and grant access to his daughter allowing you to pretend to date her only to throw a plate of steel-like glass in her eye and steal a drop of eye juice.

9. Call the SCP help center and complain about the noise, they should reply by sending you a murderous SCP in order to silence you, simply slap said SCP and it will turn into a liquid form of liquid made of liquid within a liquid bottle made from other liquid that liquidizes when liquid touches liquid. Place it in a jug of hot goo.

10. Hi jump over a tree under a bridge and falcon punch a racoon so hard it grows wings and flies 1.2km into your cooking pot.

11. Meditate for 7 hours and roll over yourself until your implode and enter the explosion realm where you can buy 20 kilo-tonnes of TNT for 20cents, you then must eat yourself to return to our realm and add it to your pot.

12. Prod a man on the shoulder until he tries to kill you, then punch him in the eye in such a way it leaves a smiley tattoo in its place. He then will scream and turn into an Acacia tree from Asgard. You must hug this tree to teleport it between the realms into your pot of pie making.

13. Final step. Place a lid on the pot and make a sacrifice to the furniture god, he will shoot the pot with 17 chairs made of soot and rye. You then must headbutt yourself and kick air into a hole in space where only a small child can be heard giggling at your feeble attempts. After doing this the pot will fuse with your ingredients and become pie crust, you then must instantly place it in the oven at 134255.23 kelvin so that it may cook for 7 weeks. Once this period is over you may remove the pie and eat it only to be sucked into a realm made entirely out of yourself so that you become yourself and yourself becomes you.

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